Bolton Wanderers: Best and Worst
Writer and long-time Trotter Gary Parkinson regales tales of Jay-Jay, John McGinlay and wine-bar bouffants
XI
BEST: In my 35-year era: Jussi Jaaskelainen; Gudni Bergsson, Bruno N’Gotty, Gary Cahill, Ricardo Gardner; Fernando Hierro, Jay-Jay Okocha, Kevin Nolan; Youri Djorkaeff, Nicolas Anelka, El-Hadji Diouf. <swoons>
WORST: Ben Amos; Toto Nsiala, Gerald Cid, Jonathan Grounds, Dean Moxey; Mario Espartero, John Gregory, Liam Trotter; Roger Walker, Robert Fleck, Nigel Jemson. <shudders>
PLAYER
B: Okocha’s penchant for cheeky brilliance and sheer infectious joy belies the bitter losers’ idea of Sam Allardyce’s side as dour long-ballers.
W: Many have drowned through lack of ability but worse was the half-arsed former top-flighter John Gregory (yes, later a manager), who did nothing for a struggling team but stand, point and be suntanned.
MOMENT
B: Anfield, January 1993: David Lee toasts Mike Marsh and crosses for John McGinlay to put our third-tier side 1-0 up right in front of us. The start of a magic ride.
W: Watching court action via the internet to see if our club would survive the day.
GAME
B: The 1995 second-tier play-off final. From 2-0 and a penalty down to a four-striker formation clawing out a 4-3 win to hit the top flight after 15 years’ absence.
W: The following season, being humiliated 6-0 at home by a local rival with a crop of decent kids. I forget their name.
SEASON
B: Colin Todd’s 1996/97 side: style and guile, 100 goals and 98 points, second-tier champions at a romp.
W: Second-tier relegation in 2018/19 amid financial ruination and genuine existential fear. From New Year we lost 17 of 22 games – and defaulted on a 23rd.
SIGNING
B: Kevin Davies on a freebie. Mate of mine called him a washed-up burger boy. Later ate his words.
W: There could be no better symbol of how we threw money at chasing a Premier return than re-signing Zat Knight on ludicrous wages, curiously against no competition whatsoever.
NICKNAME
B: The Lion of Vienna: the immortal Nat Lofthouse, who represented Wanderers as a fan, player, captain, trainer, scout, coach, manager, president and legend. Forever in all our hearts.
W: Eidur Gudjohnsen’s calmness and nationality condemned him to a life of being called The Iceman; his compatriot Gudni Bergsson is still known to many as “Gundi”.
GOAL
B: Either of two from November 2010: Johan Elmander’s snake-hipped humiliation of the entire Wolves defence and the Blackpool-bamboozling eight-man, largely one-touch move finished by Mark Davies’s equaliser.
W: Jody Morris’s breakaway second for Chelsea in May 1998 that confirmed last-day relegation. Even the Blues fans, knowing a draw would relegate Everton, were willing us to equalise.
KIT
B: The 1982-83 kit (sponsored by TSB!) is still a minimalist, Modish classic; luckily our shirts are now getting closer to it every season.
W: Either 2009-10’s “Tesco bag” or the Clip Art job from a decade later. God knows what 2029-30’s gonna be like.
CULT HERO
B: After his goal sealed Fourth Division promotion in 1987, tough-tackling Scouser Robbie Savage – definitely not *that* one – almost consummated his love affair with the fans.
W: In a desperate period of Wanderers history, Yoan Zouma was beloved despite the fact he regularly seemed astonished to find himself in possession of the ball, as if he’d woken up in the middle of a dream.
CHANT
B: I’ve spent the thick end of four decades singing “Who’s that coming up the hill?” but its defiant central lyrics – “They all laugh at us, they all mock at us, they all say our days are numbered” – have never been as heartfelt.
W: The ubiquitous “Your town’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home.” I don’t – I’m watching a game – and with respect to my hometown, Bolton’s hardly Bali.
MANAGER
B: Perhaps ungrateful but for me Allardyce is edged out by Bruce Rioch, whose reign was so short, pure and unforgettable: three years, two promotions, two Wembleys, half-a-dozen giantkillings.
W: Dougie Freedman, who wanted to “control the game without possession”, was even worse than the professional misanthrope Gary Megson.
HAIRCUT
B: The curly frightwig of Ivan Campo, whose name is still sung every Saturday, and who still tweets celebrations when Bolton win.
W: Dave Sutton’s blond bouffant was very mid-80s wine-bar – but with its owner injured, it was bouncing on the away end celebrating Savage’s promotion goal.
AWAY TRIP
B: Hull on a warm Friday night in April 1993. Wanderers came from a goal down to win three crucial points – and as I was at uni in Hull, half the town kipped drunkenly on my floor.
W: Lincoln on a miserable Tuesday night in January 2020. First game had been postponed when we were halfway there, so we drove the 175 miles again to watch a 5-1 defeat presaging a second successive relegation.
OPPONENT
B: In April 1996 Wanderers fans warmly applauded Chelsea’s Ruud Gullit off the Burnden Park pitch. Perhaps it helped that the visitors had lost, which didn’t often happen that season.
W: Christmas 2001 at the Reebok, and Robbie Savage (yes that one, this time) was subbed for his own sake after just 24 minutes by Leicester boss Harry Bassett – after the attention addict had already got two Bolton players sent off.
FACIAL HAIR
B: Frank Worthington’s moustache still represents 70s flamboyance and fun – and not just for Boltonians.
W: Marcus Maddison’s wildman beard – the sort that retains foodstuffs for weeks.
HARD MAN
B: Kevin Davies had a broken finger reset at pitchside and carried on. Kevin Davies had his cheekbone broken by Herman Hreidarsson and played on for another hour. Kevin Davies would survive a nuclear winter, and I’d happily live under his new world order.
W: Kostas Konstantinidis celebrated Duncan Ferguson’s red card for an off-the-ball elbow on him by promptly picking up two yellows in a minute to level the sides up.
Originally published in the October 2021 issue of FourFourTwo, released 22 Sep 2021
